Managing to Make a Difference

Chapter 4Accept People as They Are

Accepting people as they are—not asking them to change—is the most important aspect of cultivating positive relationships. In fact, this is the most important chapter in the book. This chapter can change your life.

Bill's Lesson Learned

A friend, Bill Kerrey, tells this story. His daughter did not keep her room neat and tidy and Bill was determined to help her change that.

Every weekday he would drive her home from school. The drive was tense because they both knew that when they got home, he would look at her room right away. Every day it was messy, and every day the evening went downhill from there. He tried every technique in the book (and some that were not in the book) to motivate her to change. Nothing worked.

One day he realized that his focus on keeping her room neat was damaging their relationship, and he realized that his relationship with his daughter was way more important to him than a clean room.

That day on the drive home he asked her about her day. When they got home he did not inspect her room. He just closed the door. He figured out that if he did not see it, it would not bother him. So he just quit focusing on her room, and he quit asking her to change. He accepted her as she was.

Bill reports that his relationship with his daughter improved overnight.

Dr. William E. Hall defined a “life theme” as a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that is persistent over time. Every time you describe someone, you are naming ...