Lessons in IT Transformation: Technology Expert to Business Leader

Focusing on the Issue, Not the Person

I learned the hard way by screwing up many times how easily you can damage a relationship. The easiest way to hurt someone's feelings and your goodwill is to focus on and attack them as people. All of us like to think that we are nice, good, hard-working people. When we feel under attack, we lash out and retaliate. However, most of us are objective enough to realize that even when we try our best, we sometimes miss the mark. Focusing not on the individual but on the issue has helped me develop better relationships and more successful outcomes.

I have also noticed an insidious dynamic. Many times we are more patient and positive with total strangers or people we interact with at work than with the members of our own families and the people we love the most. We seem to use up all of our patience and skills at work and then come home and act horribly with our loved ones. No matter how close you are to someone, you still need to be caring about how you deliver your messages. Always focus on the issue and never on the person. Let's see if you can feel the difference between these statements:

“You are inconsiderate!” versus “I would appreciate it if you would please put the seat down!”

“You don't care about me!” versus “It hurts my feelings when you speak ill of my family.”

“That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!” versus “Perhaps there is a different approach we can take.”

“You are lazy!” versus “I think we need to work on that issue a little ...