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I Hear You

Book Description

Birth, death, and conflict—three things you truly can’t avoid. Whether it’s big or small, conflict eats into productivity and makes people feel stuck. Yet solutions exist for even the toughest situations with the most intractable people. The answer lies in better communication—not just using different words, but rather learning to think differently. I Hear You supplies proven techniques for stepping outside one’s point of view and seeing things from other perspectives. Sample dialogues show how this shift in thinking leads to better conversations and greatly improved outcomes. Readers learn how to: • Tell the other person’s story—the cornerstone of real engagement • Look from the outside in and see themselves as others do • Recognize the role systemic factors play—and transform a conflict into a shared challenge • Overcome the defense mechanisms that derail dialogue For anyone trying to negotiate a difficult situation with a boss, colleague, employee, or client, I Hear You changes opposition into understanding and mere talk into real trust.

Table of Contents

  1. Cover Page
  2. Title Page
  3. Copyright Page
  4. Contents
  5. Acknowledgments
  6. Note to Readers
  7. Introduction: From Conflict to Consensus
    1. Becoming your Own Coach
  8. Chapter 1: Change Yourself: Going from Stuck to Unstuck
    1. Defining Stuck Situations
    2. Fixing it Begins with You
    3. Why Being Different Makes All the Difference
    4. What about Extreme People?
    5. Change what you Say
    6. Change how you Say It
    7. Beyond the Conversation
    8. Summary
  9. Chapter 2: Shifting Perspective
    1. Changing your Thinking
    2. Different Perspectives can Coexist
    3. Flexing your Mind
    4. Now I See it Differently
    5. What's the Magic Word?
    6. Shifting Perspective and Writing your Own Magic Words
    7. Summary
  10. Chapter 3: Overcome your Own Defenses: Tearing Down the Walls
    1. Perspective is Practically Invisible
    2. Freeing Yourself from Perspective Ignorance
    3. Active Resistance
    4. Summary
  11. Chapter 4: Tell their Story: Looking through their Eyes
    1. Difference of Opinion
    2. The Role of Culture
    3. Identifying Noncultural Differences
    4. Different and Legitimate
    5. Mind the Gap
    6. Practice Telling their Story
    7. Guide to the Perplexed: Finding their Story
    8. Having the Conversation
    9. Seeing Isn't (Necessarily) Believing
    10. Summary
  12. Chapter 5: Looking from the outside In: Seeing is Believing
    1. What do I Sound like from the Outside?
    2. Simple, but not Easy
    3. Dealing with Denial
    4. It's not you, It's Me
    5. Learning about Myself—Going Deep
    6. Looking in the Mirror
    7. Practicing how to Look from the outside In
    8. Having the Conversation
    9. Walking Down the Road
    10. Summary
  13. Chapter 6: Don't Take it Personally: Understanding It's not about You
    1. Systemic Conflict is Role-Based
    2. Competing Incentives
    3. The Benefits of Competing Incentives
    4. Hierarchy
    5. Working for a Superhero
    6. Personalities within the System
    7. Who Cares?
    8. Why It's Hard
    9. Identifying your Systemic Conflict
    10. Having the Conversation
    11. Summary
  14. Chapter 7: Don't Lose Yourself: Maintaining Balance
    1. The Problem
    2. How can you Tell?
    3. Advice
    4. Having the Conversation
    5. Summary
  15. Chapter 8: Practice, Practice, Practice: Getting to Carnegie Hall
    1. What is Role-Playing?
    2. Role-Playing to Diagnose the Problem
    3. Role-Playing to Look from the outside In
    4. Role-Playing to Tell their Story
    5. Role-Playing to Practice
    6. Creating your Own Role Play
    7. Step One: Find a Partner
    8. Step Two: Set the Stage
    9. Step Three: Have the Conversation
    10. Step Four: Stop and Debrief
    11. Step Five: Try Again
    12. Summary
  16. Chapter 9: What Comes Next: Making Change Happen and Identifying Dead Ends
    1. Possibility 1: The Situation Gets Better and the Relationship Improves
    2. Possibility 2: Making Peace with the Status Quo
    3. Possibility 3: Walking Away
    4. Have you Really Tried?
    5. Time to Act
    6. Managing Risk
    7. A Question of Values
    8. Keeping the Door Open
    9. Summary
  17. Conclusion
  18. Notes
  19. Index