How You Can Talk to Anyone in Every Situation

4

Chapter

71

How to build rapport and

connect with anyone

Have you ever had the experience of being with someone you

get on with and suddenly noticing that you were doing the same

things? You were taking a drink at the same time; you were

walking down the road in step; you were laughing at the same

moment; you were sitting in an almost identical position; you

scratched your head and they scratched theirs. It happens all

the time and for the overwhelming majority of that time we are

not consciously aware of it. All we know is that being with that

other person is pretty easy and enjoyable. That’s rapport.

There are some people with whom you feel, from the first

moment of meeting, a natural affinity and there are others

whose immediate impact on you is less positive. And this is the

way of the world.

The interesting thing is that we can come to decisions about

people in a moment. You’ve probably had the same experience

that we have. You’ve walked into a room, at a party perhaps,

and there have been people there that you have never met.

You’ve scanned the room and generally speaking the women

amongst us are a lot better at that than the men, but that’s a

subject for another time. Someone has caught your eye and

without a moment’s hesitation you find yourself thinking, ‘They

look nice; I’d like to have a chat to them later.’

Equally, you’ll have seen someone else and for no apparent

reason find yourself thinking, ‘I don’t think so!’

So what’s going on? How does that work?

Just think for a moment about the first time you met a particu-

lar person. Maybe you’ve been somewhere recently where you

HOW YOU CAN TALK TO ANYONE IN EVERY SITUATION

72

were introduced to someone you had never met before. If so, try

and recall that moment.

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What did you notice about them?

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What was your first impression?

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What judgements did you make?

Whether we like it or not, we make judgements about people

pretty quickly. And we make judgements based on a whole set

of criteria.

Now, if it’s me you’re judging, there are certain things I can

do nothing about and there are others that I can do something

about. I can do nothing about my height, my age, my sex, my

ethnicity, my accent (unless I train to get rid of it).

I can, however, do something about my appearance, my dress,

my hair, my scent, my eye contact, my handshake, my posture,

my gestures, my facial expression, my tone of voice, the words I

use in greeting.

It’s important to recognise what people pay attention to in the first

moments of meeting so that we can ensure we create a really posi-

tive first impression. You’ll no doubt have heard the phrase, ‘You

never have a second chance to make a good first impression’, and

it’s amazing how much weight we give to those first moments.

That’s not to say that a less than positive first impression

cannot be reversed but it takes a good deal of time and contrary

evidence to do it. In which case it makes enormous sense to do

whatever we can to ensure that people’s first experience of us is

a good one.

So what do we pay attention to in those first moments?

When you think about the lists of things we notice, both those

you can do something about and those you cannot, you’ll see

that they split into three main areas:

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Verbal: the words that I use.

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Vocal: the tone of my voice, speed, rhythm, volume, etc.

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Visual: my appearance, posture, gestures, facial expressions.