Direct Your Own Damn Movie!

Table of contents

1. Front Cover
2. Half Title
3. Title Page
4. Copyright
5. Dedcation
6. Contents
7. Foreword (May be Backward) by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
8. Foreword Part II by Lemmy Kilmister
9. Preface-Directile Disfunction
10. Acknowledgments
11. CHAPTER 1 Joining the Army of One
    1. Why You Should (A) Not Drown Kittens and (B) Buy This Book
    2. Me Actually Following My Own Advice
    3. Now It's Your Turn to Follow My Advice
    4. Sidebar: Penelope Spheeris Rocks Out on Rockin’ the Boat
    5. Sidebar: Bill Lustig on Porn Versus Film School
    6. Summoning Your Inner Dominatrix
    7. Something Great the French Gave Us, Besides a Fantastic Way to Make Out and a Tasty Way to Prepare Potatoes
    8. All Pricks, Big and Small
    9. My Big Fat Budget Studio Dream Wedding
    10. What It All Means
    11. Sidebar: Eli Roth Says...(Film School Versus Set Experience)
    12. Hollywood, Hot Celebs and Herpes
12. CHAPTER 2 It's the Shit! … Er, Script!
    1. My Own Personal Piece of Hell
    2. Sidebar: Whit Stillman and Oscar
    3. The Write Stuff: Putting Your Ideas on Paper
    4. Sidebar: Getting Into Directing...Ron Jeremy Style
    5. A Note on Formatting
    6. I Have an Idea, Now What?
    7. Breathing Life into the Story, As You Would a Drowning Kitten
    8. A Location is Always Better (and Often Cheaper) Than a Set
    9. Writing and Re-Writing
    10. Colors that Don't Result in Drive-bys
    11. You Could Put an Eye Out with that Thing!
    12. Numbering Your Scenes
    13. The Poor Man's Copyright
    14. Enter the Cowriter
    15. And Now a Few Words from Kurly
    16. And Now, Back to Lloyd
    17. Sidebar: Eli Roth...Sums It All Up
    18. Let's Get Cracking!
13. CHAPTER 3 Show, Don't Tell, and Other Things My Uncle Lance Whispered to Me in the Basement
    1. The “Eyes” Have It!
    2. Sidebar: Making Mistakes...Ron Jeremy Style
    3. Styles of Storytelling
    4. A Quick Primer on Things that I Will Repeat in the Coming Chapters
    5. Location, Location, Location
    6. No Country for Old Jews
    7. Sidebar: Stuart Gordon on Directing Horror
    8. The Tools of the Trade: Your Filmmaking Tool Kit
    9. Practical Directing Tips, As Per Elinor
    10. Sidebar: Lloyd's Interview with His Good Pal, Stan Lee
14. CHAPTER 4 Preproduction: My Own Private Idaho (and by Idaho, I, of course, mean Hell)
    1. The Point?
    2. This May Hurt a Little
    3. Sidebar: A Glimpse Inside Lloyd's Head
    4. An Army of One…Rarely Wins the War
    5. The Dream …Er… Troma Team
    6. You Say Hypocrite Like It's a Bad Thing
    7. The Last Line Sums It Up Here
    8. One of Many Ways to Avoid Infection on a Troma Set
    9. The Film Crew
    10. Sidebar: How the Troma System Prepared Me For Prison
    11. The Manson Family on LSD with Very Little Money… And the Production Manager
    12. Out of the Frying Pan (Hell) and into the Fire (Hell)
15. BONUS CHAPTER Directors That Pee Sitting Down: An Interview with Penelope Spheeris and Allison Anders, by Lindsey Lemke
16. CHAPTER 5 Casting: Stick to Fish, Avoid the Toilet Seats
    1. Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe …
    2. The Quest Begins
    3. Love in the Time of Photoshop
    4. The Almost-Open Call
    5. Sidebar: James Gunn Knows Funny
    6. Sidebar: Penelope Spheeris Rocks Out on Funny
    7. Mention James Gunn a Little More …People Like That Fucker
    8. The Truth about Actors
    9. Trimming the Fat (Figuratively, Not Necessarily Literally)
    10. Sidebar: Bill Lustig on Acting and Actors
    11. The Hollerback…Er … The Callback
    12. Let's Talk Some More about Nudity …
    13. Sidebar: James Gunn Knows Lloyd Kaufman
    14. Bringing It All to a Rapid Boil
17. CHAPTER 6 Preparation and Scheduling: Who Knew There Was So Much Paper Involved in the Art of Directing?
    1. How To Keep Hands Busy (And Away From Your Crotch)
    2. Breakdowns (As in Script, Not Mental … Hopefully)
    3. Mention Yale a Few Times – People Respect That
    4. Screw You, Mr. Marx
    5. Filming in Sequence – Joycean Epiphany
    6. Can I Talk about Nudity Yet?
    7. Shooting Up: Some Helpful Terms to Get You Started
    8. Sidebar: Stuart Gordon on Storyboarding
    9. Sidebar: Eli Roth Says…(to Storyboard or Not to Storyboard…)
    10. Sidebar: Jack Beranek
    11. You're Almost There!
    12. You're Getting Even Closer Now!
    13. Wait for It … Wait for It …
    14. And Now …
18. CHAPTER 7 Managing the Set, or Mastering the Age-Old Art of Babysitting
    1. The Three Rules of Production
    2. First Day Jitters
    3. What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
    4. Sidebar: Eli Roth Says…(It's All Your Fault)
    5. Stomping on Eggshells
    6. A Long Island City Interlude
    7. Sidebar: Eli Roth Says…(Say Thank You)
    8. Acting Out
    9. Speaking of Respect …
    10. A Little Nudity for the Road
    11. An Average Day in Tromaville
    12. Sidebar: Lessons from a First-Time Female Director
    13. Hanging Out with the Twins
    14. What Not To Do in a Nutshell
    15. Speaking of Management
    16. Sidebar: Eli Roth Says … (Actual Directing Is …)
    17. Sidebar: Stuart Gordon on Plumbing
    18. My Editor Also Said…
19. CHAPTER 8 Putting the “ Special ” in Special Effects, or Why We Spend 80% of Our Budget on Bromo-Seltzer
    1. A Poultrygeist Interlude Circa August, 2005
    2. A More Accurate Poultrygeist Interlude …by Andy Deemer
    3. Back to Lloyd
    4. Why Not Just Use CGI, You Stupid Old Man??
    5. Talking Shit
    6. Getting the Right Folks for the Job
    7. Love the Stunt? Use It Again!
    8. Sidebar: Direct Your Own Damn Music Video
20. CHAPTER 9 Postproduction, or Taking a Cue from Dedicated Hookers and Finishing Your Movie Off Right
    1. A Late Night Phone Message from Kurly in the Middle of Writing This Chapter
    2. My First Phone Call Immediately After Receiving This Message
    3. Oops! I Did It Again… And Other Pop References from 1998
    4. Reason for Reshooting #1 – My Love for Debbie Rochon
    5. Reason for Reshooting #2 – Getting Young Boys in Bed
    6. Cutting, Pasting, and Other Skills I Would Have Learned in Preschool If My Mother Hadn't Ruined My Life by Keeping Me at Home until 10th Grade
    7. Sidebar: Self-Love…Ron Jeremy Style
    8. A Quick Sidebar about Control
    9. Getting into Focus
    10. Sound Mixing, As Opposed to Unsound Mixing
    11. Not as Racist as It Sounds…Really
    12. The Answer!
    13. But What about the Other 99% Who Aren't Shooting on 35 mm?
    14. A Conversation over The Intercom at the Troma Building
    15. When It's All Said and Done…
21. CHAPTER 10 If You Want It Done Right, You've Got to Do It Yourself, or Pay Someone a lot of Money
    1. Congratulations … I'm Sorry (and Other Pop Culture References from 1996)
    2. Putting the “I” in Festival
    3. When It's Okay to Sell Out
    4. A Note from Sara, Lloyd's (Up until Now) Loyal Assistant
    5. A Conversation with Elinor, My Editrix
22. CHAPTER 11 A Chapter Just About Directing
    1. How to Direct a Movie
23. Letter from the Editor
24. Sidebar: Sean McCoy, Seven Quick Directing Tips for the Road
25. Afterword — My Happy Ending
26. Lloyd Kaufman's Filmography
27. Final Letter from the Editor
28. Index