Brilliant Confidence

CHAPTER 5

Truly assertive

communication

To be assertive is to influence

It’s time to start thinking about putting your Confidence Project

into action. Part three of Brilliant Confidence bridges the gap

between thinking about being more confident and actually

putting it into practice.

You’ll see that the concept of assertiveness is a major compo-

nent here. Some people find it hard to differentiate between

assertiveness and confidence so let’s clarify this straight away.

We established at the beginning of Brilliant Confidence that con-

fidence is a skill that relates to your attitude and your state of

mind. Assertiveness is a skill too, but it relates to your behaviour

rather than to your mindset. So, in

short, confidence is a mental state

and assertiveness is a behaviour. The

important thing to acknowledge is

that both are skills you can learn.

There’s one major thing to remember here – self-belief and con-

fidence cannot exist if you don’t have the skills to be assertive.

It’s that important.

Confident people use assertive behaviour to influence others.

Influence is having the power to affect someone’s beliefs, actions

or thought processes.

The chain is simple (see Figure 5.1).

confidence is a mental

state and assertiveness

is a behaviour

106 brilliant confidence

Finding a balance

Truly assertive people have found that critical balance between

stating their case and taking account of the views of the other

person. They’ve acknowledged that their own needs, wants and

rights are equally as important as the other person’s. Truly con-

fident people have the ability to be truly assertive. They aren’t

just able to present their own case, they also have the sensitivity

and moral courage to accommodate the other person’s case if

necessary. They might even give in if they think the other person

is right or has a better idea.

True assertiveness falls in the middle of two extremes. It keeps

the seesaw balanced (See figure 5.2).

People who use their self-confidence effectively are able to

fine-tune the balance of the seesaw. They understand that

both passive and assertive behaviour are required for true

Achieve influence

Be assertive

Feel confident

Figure 5.1 The influence chain

Aggressiveness Assertiveness Passiveness

Area of control

Figure 5.2 The assertiveness seesaw

Truly assertive communication 107

assertiveness. However, they also know that extreme behaviour

in one or the other direction can unbalance the seesaw to such

an extent that control is lost. Confidence levels can be severely

dented if this happens.

Let’s have a look at what extreme behaviour in either direction

constitutes.

Aggressiveness

Aggressive people boldly insist that their rights, views and needs

prevail.

They fall into two categories:

 Those who have an inflated ego and an unrealistic sense of

self-importance.

 Those who use ‘aggressiveness’ as a way of hiding a deeper

sense of insecurity or another weakness.

Whichever category they fall into, aggressive people express their

feelings and opinions in a way that violates the rights of others.

They have no consideration for other’s opinions and, in extreme

cases, will be verbally and/or physically abusive in order to get

their way.

Aggressive people may get away with it in the short term but

eventually their behaviour will have a negative impact on their

self-confidence and self-belief.

brilliant

example

Pauline

Pauline was a newly qualified teacher in a secondary school. She had just

finished her first year there. She was told by her department head during

her annual appraisal that she was perceived by both colleagues and

students as ‘aggressive’. She’d known for a while that something wasn’t

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